It’s the night of the NBA Draft Lottery, and I’m sure the teams will trot out the same boring combination of team presidents, coaches, players or owners. How about we get a little more creative with the team representatives and have some fun with this thing? Here is my ideal lineup of lottery representatives.
14. Phoenix Suns – 0.5% Chance at #1 Pick
They’ll introduce the team least likely to win the lottery first, so why not get the night started off right with arguably the greatest mascot in basketball history flying onto the stage, jumping off a trampoline and throwing down a high-flying dunk before taking his seat.
13. Minnesota Timberwolves - 0.6%
Kevin Love wants to play on a winner, and unless the Wolves get lucky in the lottery, that isn’t happening. So, that 0.6% isn’t just their odds of grabbing the number 1 pick, it’s also roughly their odds of keeping Love in Minnesota past this year.
12. New York Knicks - 0.7%
I’m not picking Phil Jackson because he’s the new face of the Knicks franchise. I’m picking Phil because he feels like regular season games are a waste of time, so I’d love to see his reaction at being stuck at the draft lottery. Plus, Orlando will actually receive the least valuable pick between the Knicks and Nuggets, so odds are the Knicks will never actually see this pick…making it an even bigger waste of Phil’s time.
11. Denver Nuggets – 0.8%
They string this Lottery out way longer than necessary, and I’m sure some of the other representatives will need a little snack.
10. New Orleans Pelicans – 1.1%
Unless the Pelicans get lucky and this pick lands in the top 3, it’s going to end up with the Sixers. So, they’re going to need to bring the original Pelican out of retirement to work his black magic (or whatever the hell he does) to win the lottery.
9. Cleveland Cavailers – 1.7%
Hey, I know it was a weak draft, but just wanted to remind you that we screwed up last year. Can we have another crack at it this year? PLEASE?!?!?! We just need to make sure he shares those chicken nuggets with everyone else.
8. Detroit Pistons – 2.8%
Not because Jeremy has any association with the Pistons, but because it would be interesting to see if anyone could tell it wasn’t actually Stan Van Gundy on stage.
7. Sacramento Kings – 4.3%
SPOILER ALERT! I’m glad he finally got what was coming to him on Game of Thrones, but I can’t help but miss his smug grin. How awesome would it be to have Gleeson reprise his role as Joffrey? Smiling as if he knows something the rest of us don’t, and then throwing a temper tantrum and demanding everyone get beheaded when the Kings don’t win.
6. Los Angeles Lakers – 6.3%
It’s been over a year since one of the greatest owners in sports history passed away. His son, Jim Buss, is not one of the best owners in sports history. If the NBA wants the Lakers to be relevant, they’re going to have to give Jimmy Boy all the help he can get.
5. Boston Celtics – 10.3%
It would be fun to have someone live blogging behind the scenes of the Draft Lottery. Plus, when the Celtics don’t win it we can hear Simmons complain about how the lottery is rigged, and nothing ever goes right for any Boston teams, all while ignoring the fact they have at least one championship in each of the major sports in the last 10 years.
4. Utah Jazz – 10.4%
When they first introduce the Jazz representative, it will be John Stockton, but after the first commercial break, without any warning, Karl Malone will be sitting in his place. Stockton to Malone was so good for so long, why not go to it one more time?
3. Orlando Magic – 15.6%
Why not take this opportunity to remind all of those potential free agents out there that there’s no state income tax in Florida?
2. Philadelphia 76ers – 19.9%
I’m picking Sixers great Iverson with one caveat: he has to perform his famous “practice” rant, but exchange the word “practice” with the world “lottery.”
1. Milwaukee Bucks – 25.0%
Because having a buck on stage will be more interesting than anything that happened in Milwaukee this season.