Breaking Down the French Open Final…Kind Of


I could bore you by breaking down Saturday’s French Open Final matchup between Serena Williams and Maria Sharapova by talking about who has the stronger serve and volley game, and other things of that nature.  If you really wanted that information, there are far better people than me you can get it from.  I’m taking a different approach to see who has the intangible edge in this matchup of the top two female players in the world.  From tennis grunting to boyfriends to attire, this truly is a clash of the titans.


I appreciate the fact that Serena is able to mix up her grunts from a loud violent scream for a power shot, and a slightly gentler extended moan for a softer shot.  She also seems to increase her screaming as the point goes on, digging down even deeper for that extra something.

Sharapova doesn’t show the variety in her grunting game that Serena is able to achieve, however, I think the primal screams that Sharapova exhibits with every one of her shots have to be intimidating, or more likely distracting, to her opponents.  I don’t know how someone can concentrate on perfect drop shot while Sharapova’s high-pitched shrieks are piercing their ears.  Advantage: Sharapova


Maria Sharapova gets bonus points for dropping the F-bomb on national television.  Her big mistake was following it up with “I’m sorry.”  Don’t apologize to the umpire for that!  We want to see you scream and rant and lay into the umpire.  Maybe even go John McEnroe and smash a few racquets while you’re at it.  She has demonstrated she has that ability in her, but she’s being a little too nice for my liking.

Serena on the other hand gets DQ’d for her profanity-laced tirade after she gets called for a foot-fault at the US Open.  According to a source, Serena said, “If I could I would take this fucking ball and shove it down your fucking throat.”  She is then heard on the court microphone pleading with the umpire saying, “I didn’t say ‘I’d kill you.’”  Whether she said any of this or not, all I know is that if Serena is walking toward me in the middle of a profanity-laced tirade, I’m changing my call and begging for her forgiveness.  I’m probably more scared for my life than remembering exactly what she said.  Advantage: Serena


Sharapova seems to have a thing for mediocre pro athletes.  After breaking off her engagement to former NBA player Sasha Vujacic, she is now dating tennis player Grigor Dimitrov.  He’s 22 years old and ranked in the top 30 in the world.  Not too shabby, but if Shapova is going to be dating a tennis player, you’d think someone of her status could get someone ranked at least in the top 10.  Perhaps she likes to be the dominant one in the relationship?  Serena has been linked to a few celebrities like Drake, Common, Brett Ratner and Keyshawn Jonhson.  Now Serena is also dating a relatively unknown in the tennis world: her coach, Patrick Mourataglou.  While on the surface, it’s not a good idea to date her coach, since he started coaching/dating her, she has won Wimbledon, the Olympic Gold Medal, the US Open, and regained her number one ranking.  Advantage: Push…for now.  On the surface, it looks like Serena should have the advantage, but between the high-profile celebrity relationships that rarely work out, and the volatility in her current relationship, I can’t give her the advantage.  If she and her coach/boyfriend ever break up, it could mean trouble for her career.  How tough would it be to look into the front row and not see Mourataglou promising to give her the good lovin’ that night if she follows through on her backhand?


Maria got owned by Alize Lim on Twitter because she didn’t know who Jeremy Chardy was, Lim’s boyfriend.  Lim was kind enough to point out that she should know who he was, considering he was ranked a spot higher than Sharapova’s boyfriend Dimitrov.

While that was embarrassing, it wasn’t as bad as what Serena did last year when she found out that Drake started dating Dollica Bryan.


Word is that “boy” was referring to Dollica Bryan since Serena apparently feels she looks like a man, and “The Bread” is Common since he is the bread-winner in the relationship.  This is truly a rookie mistake by Serena.  She should know better than to air personal grievances over Twitter.  It only makes you look jealous and pathetic.  Just send an angry drunk text message like everyone else does!  Advantage: Sharapova.



Maria Sharapova


Serena Williams










While Sharapova occasionally wears some colorful outfits, she is clearly  no match for Serena in this category.  Aside from the jean skirt look, Serena  has donned other memorable outfits such as a black catsuit and a hot pink bodysuit.  Some are a little too much for my taste, but there’s no doubt it gets her attention.  Advantage: Serena.  As a side note, after doing a Google Images search looking for pictures of their various tennis outfits, I would recommend for every female tennis player to wear some sort of shorts under their tennis skirt.


This one is a clear Advantage: Serena.  She holds a 13-2 lifetime record against Sharapova, with her only two losses coming all the way back in 2004.  She also beat Sharapova 6-1 6-4 last month in the final of the Madrid Open to retain her number one ranking.


Clearly, these are the two premiere tennis players in the world right now.  Not only for their on-court success, but for all of the intangible qualities that always seem to keep things interesting.  If this were a tennis match it would come down to a 3rd set tiebreaker, but I have to give Advantage: Serena.  She has off the chart intangible qualities that almost overshadow her on-court play and are rarely seen in a female athlete.  Hold your head high Maria, you’re only 26 years-old and have time on your side.  My advice would be to have a few celebrity flings, break a few racquets, and who knows?  Maybe you’ll one day achieve the greatness that Serena was able to.

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